Hakuba Responds to News of Golden Eye Episodes
by Mikauzoran
Summary: It started when on the Poirot Café forum Kakashikrazy said they'd be doing Golden Eye. They haven't done the "Hakuba figures it out" part yet, so the scene with Hakuba calling Kaito isn't going to make any sense. She said: "…Haku-chan, first you go away, and now it's impossible to put you back in. You really are high maintenance." Hakuba (along with Kaito and Conan) responds.
1. Hakuba Responds

Mikau: Hi guys! Well, as the summary says: It started off in the MK anime thread on the Poirot Café forum when Kakashikrazy said that A-1 would be doing Golden Eye. Only they haven't done the "Hakuba figures it out" part yet, so the scene with Hakuba calling Kaito isn't going to make any sense. She said: "…Haku-chan, first you go away, and now it's impossible to put you back in. You really are high maintenance." Hakuba (along with Kaito and Conan) responds.

Disclaimer: If I owned it, I wouldn't have to make these funny little character commentaries because I feel like I would actually have some say in the direction of the anime interpretation. One would hope.

…

Hakuba Responds to News of

Golden Eye Episodes

"Well, forgive _me_, Miss Kakashikrazy, for being high maintenance," Saguru retorted with a bit of a pout. "Surely it isn't my fault that they dragged me into the series too early only to throw me out again after only two episodes. _I'm_ the one that should be upset, you know. I've hardly had any screen time at all thanks to the animators preferring to focus all their time and budget on ridiculous jukeboxes and trying to pace the scant actual plot and some annoying git in white's love life."

"Not my fault I'm more interesting than you," Kaito replied with a shrug of nonchalance. "Maybe you should give the whole Batman thing a try. See how it serves you. Maybe you'll get your own TV show."

Saguru pursed his lips and glared at his rival. "The whole masked vigilante with cool gadgets shtick is so overdone. I'd rather fight on the right side of the law, thank you. You can go on playing Batman while I go solve crimes, make a difference."

"No offense, but I don't think you're making too much of a difference the way things are. I mean...we haven't seen you in _how_ many episodes?" Before Hakuba could bash his head in, Kaito quickly switched topics...but not necessarily for the better. "Hey, if I'm Batman, does that make you Barbara Gordon? Since you're the head honcho police dude's kid?"

Saguru sent his companion a very stern, severe frown, communicating just how not amused he was.

Kaito blinked innocently. "Did you want to be Robin?"

Taking a deep calming breath, Hakuba turned his back to the titular fool and instead focused his frustrations on the show's reoccurring guest star. "And _you_. You, young man, are taking my job."

Conan blinked, looking around, trying to spot the person to whom the British detective might be talking. When he found no one, he blinked again and pointed to himself. "You mean me?! What did I do, Hakuba-no-niichan?"

"You, young sir, have appeared in my home series more than I have!" Saguru huffed. "_I'm_ supposed to be the detective character in Magic Kaito. Why in the world have you gotten more screen time than I have?! This is injustice at its worst! I have been replaced in my own series by a grade schooler!"

"Technically it's _my_ series," Kaito helpfully reminded and got a pineapple thrown at him for his trouble.

"Quiet, buffoon," Saguru snapped.

"The hell did that pineapple come from?!" Kaito shrieked in indignation.

"Heavens if I know!" Hakuba shouted right back. "All I know is I can't take this anymore! I am being discriminated against! I am being discriminated against because I'm only half Japanese! It's because I'm British, isn't it? It's because I grew up in another country. It's because I have this silly, pun of a name!"

Kaito raised his hand. "My name is a pun too. The whole thing."

Conan hung his head in shame. "I have no comment on the subject of lame names."

"At least you weren't born with one," Kaito muttered under his breath.

"Can we focus on me for a minute here?!" Saguru yelled, balling his hands into fists and stamping his foot. "Why does it always have to be about you two?!"

"Because we're main characters?" Conan hazarded a guess, certainly not meaning to be cruel.

Suddenly all the air went out of the blonde detective. In a small voice he grumbled. "That's it. I quit. I'm going home. Have the series without me. See if I care. You'll be sorry when you start to miss your rival character, Kuroba. You'll be sorry when there's no one there to warn you about Chat Noir, no one to help clean up after Nightmare's mess for you. Just wait until they get to the Nightmare arc. Then you'll see. They you'll wish you had me around more often."

And Hakuba slunk off, muttering those and other complaints of a similar nature.

The thief and remaining detective watched him go, not knowing what to say but both feeling at least a little bit guilty.

"It'll be just his luck that they cut the part of the Chat Noir episode with him in it," Kaito sighed.

"Yeah," Conan echoed. "Poor guy."

"In all honesty, I kind of do miss him ," Kaito admitted. "With just Nakamori and the Taskforce, it's kind of been a little...too easy. You know? I mean, _you_ show up from time to time, but..."

"I'm sure it can be boring." Conan nodded in understanding.

"Though, you know..." Kaito bit his lip. "Maybe it's a good thing Hakuba's not around too much in A-1's anime. I mean...is it just me, or do I seem a little...incompetent in their version of things?"

Knowing when it was best to keep his mouth shut, Conan purposefully avoided eye contact and lied, "I'm sure it's just your imagination."

"Yeah. That's what I thought." Kaito instantly perked up. "...So, I'm super excited for the Green Dream episode!"

Conan raised an eyebrow. "Why? What's so special about the Green Dream episode?"

"My lovely lady co-star," Kaito chuckled impishly.

Conan could only roll his eyes in response. "You're such a flirt."

"You know you love me," Kaito snickered as he leered at his favorite critic.

"The fangirls sure seem to think so," Conan sighed, shaking his head as he began to walk away. "They don't pay me enough to guest star with this nut job."

"Hey!" Kaito pouted, hounding his rival.

"Don't follow me!" Conan threw over his shoulder, picking up his pace.

"You never listen when I tell _you_ not to follow _me_!" Kaito whined, using his longer legs to close the gap.

"Because the only time I'm ever chasing you is when you've been doing something illegal!" Conan broke out into a full out run at this point.

"Details," Kaito replied with a click of his tongue, quickening his pace as well.

"Leave me alone!" Conan yelled.

"No!" Kaito laughed gleefully, chasing his prey off camera.

The

End

…

Mikau: Poor Hakuba. Well, I hope you enjoyed it! I honestly have no idea how they're going to fix their chronology mess, but they'd better do something about it. The anime needs more Hakuba!


	2. After the Airing

Mikau: Hello! Welcome back for the second installment! Sorry this is so late. ^.^; I had a busy week last week, so this is a reaction to both of the Golden Eye episodes. It's…crack. It's utter nonsense, but it was a blast to write. I hope you like chapter two! Oh, but first, thank you so much to all of those that reviewed last chapter: Willysfeather, neonquincy1217, Kiri Kaitou Clover, Jasnah, Kimmiko T, GeekyGenius, miminetjantik, Kitty Offline, and Guest!

Disclaimer: If I owned it, Hakuba would have his own backstory episode. Poor darling.

…

Chapter Two: After the Airing

"Well," Saguru remarked, hitting the off button on the remote.

Kaito and Conan, sitting on the couch beside him, were silent as they contemplated what had just occurred.

The Brit smiled in a self-satisfied manner. "Is it just me, or did I come across as mysterious and sexy in that version?" he nearly trilled in excitement.

Kaito was still concocting a clever comeback when Saguru continued.

"And all of those lines! I sounded like an actual detective! Didn't I sound so smart?"

"Unlike in real life," Kaito muttered, not quite sure how mean he felt like being today.

Conan blinked. "What do you mean you 'sounded like an actual detective'?" He raised an eyebrow at the blonde. "Are you not an actual detective?"

"He's just excited because he's finally getting to do something," Kaito explained sotto voce. "He always comes across as being incompetent in recent installations. He's kind of developed a complex ever since Aoyama-sensei threw him under the bus with that whole jumping to conclusions and being shown up by you and Hattori Heiji thing."

Conan's mouth formed a little "o" shape, and he nodded in understanding. "That must have been pretty traumatic for him. Just because he was only a guest detective, they couldn't let him outshine the home team, I guess, so Hattori and I were the ones that solved the case while he…just looked foolish."

"Yeah. That wounded his pride pretty bad." Kaito winced at the memory. "It really drove home how much Sensei favors the detectives in the new series while older detectives like Hakuba are practically chopped liver."

Conan scrunched up his nose at the gross imagery. He'd seen chopped up liver before.

"I wonder whatever happened to that Jyouji…George? guy. Do you remember him? Back when we were all just prototypes? When you played baseball or something?" Kaito fished through his memories, trying to recall.

The shrunken sleuth looked at the thief like he was crazy. "I have no idea what you're talking about—much like the rest of the time—but I've never played baseball."

"What about in that one OVA?" Kaito cocked his head to the side. "But no. I'm talking about back in the Aoyama Gosho's Short Stories days."

Conan shook his head. "Nope."

Meanwhile, Hakuba blathered on, either oblivious to the conversation going on not three feet from him or else very, very good at pretending not to hear.

"Another thing: I _love_ my voice actor! He made me sound so cool! I'm like bloody James Bond! This is marvelous!"

Kaito and Conan shared a look as the blonde gushed.

"After this, I'm sure to have fangirls!"

It had to come to a stop, and Kaito was the one that decided to burst his rival's bubble first. "I hate to break it to you, Hakuba, but…you don't actually sound like that."

Saguru blinked before shooting Kaito an incredulous, sideways glance. "What are you talking about? Of course I do. I sound just like him."

Kaito pursed his lips. "Yeah. And I sound like George Clooney…. 'I'm Batman!'"

Conan stifled a chuckle, but Saguru was not amused.

"Wrong Batman. That was Christian Bale, you ninny," Saguru snorted.

"See you _do_ like Batman," Kaito teased, getting up off the couch to start cleaning up the popcorn he'd been bouncing off of detectives' heads during the show.

"I do not," Hakuba snapped.

"I'd let you be Robin…or Hawk Boy or…whatever," Kaito offered, pretending that he didn't see the heated glare of annoyance on his rival's face. "You could even ride with me in the Kidmobile!"

"No one would want to ride in the Kidmobile," Saguru grumbled, crossing his arms across his chest, looking sullen.

"The ladies all would want to ride in the Kidmobile. It's gonna bet a total chick magnet once I get it up and running," Kaito announced, gathering the stray kernels and taking them into the kitchen to be disposed of.

Back in the living room, Hakuba and Conan blinked with twin looks of disbelief on their faces.

"There's actually a Kidmobile?!" Saguru called after the thief, wide-eyed and slack-jawed.

"I wanna ride in the Kidmobile…" Conan muttered in a bit of a whine, tapping into his inner second-grader.

Coming back into the room, Kaito frowned thoughtfully. "You might actually work as my 'lovely item'. Cute kids can be chick magnets too. I bet they'd totally believe that you're my dweeby little cousin that I'm taking care of."

"I'm not going to be your in with women," Conan threw back in his face.

Kaito shrugged nonchalantly. "Suit yourself. It's not like I needed you anyway."

Conan pouted. "And I didn't actually want to ride in your Kidmobile."

Kaito nodded, ruffling his shrunken rival's hair. "Riiiight. Because you've got your fancy skateboard and that beat up jalopy that your Professor friend drives. Nice. That may work on cute little Ayumi-chan for the moment, but real women dig a man with wheels."

"Kuroba, I believe you are grossly generalizing," Saguru snorted, kicking his right leg up and crossing it over his left. "You've just offended feminists everywhere. Expect hate mail to start arriving tomorrow morning."

Kaito rolled his eyes and scoffed. "No woman could truly hate me. They'll come around eventually and join my legion of fangirls."

"Yes, yes. Aren't you so special because you have thousands of mindless, squealing fangirls at your beck and call?" Saguru grumbled.

Kaito didn't bother holding back a chuckle. "Now who's going to be receiving hate mail? I'd be careful, Hakuba; they know where you live."

The blonde detective ignored him. "Well, I'm going to have my own fangirls soon!"

"Until they find out what a dork you are," Conan snickered softly.

Saguru's head snapped to the right, and he glared at his young coworker. "What was that?"

Conan looked away. "Nothing."

"Yeah, Haku-chan," Kaito mockingly sighed. "I really hate to tell you this, but girls don't go for geeks like you."

"I'm not a geek!" Saguru argued. "…Simply an enthusiast."

Kaito nodded slowly, coming over to scoop up Conan (who struggled futilely at first completely for show before allowing himself to be carried into the kitchen where Kaito planned to make dinner). "Let me put it this way, Haku-chan: the fangirls that you do receive because of your 'mysterious, sexy' characterization in the show, aren't going to be impressed once they find out that you speak elf and Spock and…and whatever that computer code you use is called."

Saguru opened his mouth to inform his companion and defend himself, but Kaito cut him off.

"I don't care what it's called. Only nerds do that."

"You hack too!" Saguru whined.

"It's cool when I do it," Kaito retorted.

"Double standards," Saguru muttered.

"You'll get used to it in time," Conan reassured, trying to be sympathetic and comfort his fellow detective.

"I've been getting used to it since the third volume came out in September 1994. It's been a bloody twenty years. If I'm not used to it by now, I doubt I ever will be," Saguru scoffed and proceeded to sulk in the corner.

"They're gonna be doing the Nightmare Arc," Kaito hummed helpfully as he got out the ingredients. "It sounds like you're actually going to be participating in the plot this time. Isn't that exciting?"

Saguru's ears perked up. "You're right! With my sexy, mysterious new characterization and my stunningly attractive voice, my popularity is sure to rise!"

"If the viewers don't get hung up on the whole 'who the hell _is_ this guy and how does he know that Kaito is Kid?!' thing," Conan sighed, taking a seat on the counter top.

Saguru's mood instantly fell. "Yes…A-1 really dropped the ball on that one, didn't they? They left out a key episode."

Conan pointed to the measuring cup that Kaito had gotten out and set next to the bag of sugar. "That thing holds four cups."

"Yeah," Kaito chuckled, nearly vibrating in excited anticipation. "It's gonna be great!"

Suddenly the small detective looked incredibly concerned. "What do you need a measuring cup that big for?"

Kaito gave his rival a crazy Kid grin.

"What are you making that calls for that much sugar?!" Now the detective's expression just read "Disturbed. Highly disturbed".

"Sweet and sour vegetables." Kaito blinked innocently. "It's for the sauce…and the breading…and to season the veggies with…and maybe to sprinkle on top."

Conan tried to form words, but only small, strangled sounds came out.

"What?" Kaito demanded.

Hakuba grabbed the measuring cup and put it back in the cabinet where it belonged. He switched it out for a much smaller, half a cup measuring device. "I think this will better suit your purposes."

Kaito frowned. "Haku-chan, that's not going to be _nearly_ enough!"

"You're a world-renown magician, correct?" Saguru baited.

Kaito nodded.

"Then improvise. I'm sure you'll be able to make due, am I wrong?" Saguru smirked.

Kaito tensed, putting on his game face. "Challenge accepted! You're on!"

Kaito reached for the carrots he had been planning to cook only to find them gone, all eaten. He frowned at Conan.

The grade schooler was sitting on top of the counter, kicking his legs back and forth in a lazy way whilst munching on the last of the carrots. "What?" It was Conan's turn to play innocent.

"You've eaten dinner before I could cook it," Kaito griped, hands on his hips in a pose he'd often been on the receiving end of from Aoko.

"You've still got the broccoli and the sweet potatoes and the zucchini," Conan replied, unfazed by Kaito's threatening stance and deadly glare. "I was trying to save the carrots from an unbearably sugary fate."

Kaito turned to Hakuba. "He's insulting my cooking!"

The blonde blinked. "I'm sorry. Did you expect me to do something about it? Have you forgotten that you've insulted me almost daily for the past two decades?"

"Dude, where are you getting this 'two decades' thing from?" Kaito looked at his rival as if he were suddenly not too sure about the Brit's mental state. "We've only known each other for two years."

Saguru rolled his eyes and looked up to the heavens with arms outstretched. He looked back at Kaito and glared. "Oh. So _you_ break the fourth wall, and it's perfectly fine and dandy! _I_ break the fourth wall, and it's all like, 'What are you talking about, Hakuba? Are you a bloody idjit, Hakuba?' Let me guess. It's a main character privilege, isn't it?"

Kaito turned to Conan and whispered, "Do you have any idea what he's talking about?"

Conan smiled, telling Hakuba that he was in on it without having to say a word. "Not a clue." Conan reached for a broccoli floret.

Kaito slapped his hand away. "Stop eating dinner before I kill it, skin it, and cook it."

Conan raised an eyebrow.

"What? There's a proper way of doing things. I went to the grocery store and caught this broccoli myself. Would you deny me the pleasure of finishing it off?" Kaito challenged.

Saguru sighed in frustration and went back to sulking.

Conan rolled his eyes, shaking his head and reaching for another piece of broccoli. "If anything, you foraged for the broccoli among the other vegetables in the produce section. I'd be concerned if it made you give chase."

"Still. You're eating it raw! What kind of barbarian are you?!" Kaito cried.

The sleuth stifled a chuckle, replying with a straight face, "Edogawa Conan…tantei sa."

Kaito glared. "Oh. I see what you did there. Clever. Very clever. Your name is stupid."

"I thought we weren't talking about stupid names?" Conan sighed, picking up another piece of raw broccoli. "…Kaitou Clover."

"Stop eating my ingredients!" Kaito whined, stomping his foot.

"I'm saving them from your awful, sugar-coma-inducing cooking," Conan argued soundly.

"We're not even talking about the episode with me in it anymore," Hakuba whimpered from his fetal position in the corner.

"I really liked my outfit in episode eighteen!" Kaito chimed in, pretending the vegetable drama had never happened. He got back out the massive measuring cup.

Conan took another bite of broccoli out of pure spite. "Which outfit?"

"The cute capris near the beginning in the Blue Parrot," Kaito clarified.

"Yeah. Those actually looked pretty good on you," Conan agreed reluctantly. "You've come a long way from that hideous Hawaiian shirt you wore on your date with Aoko-san at Tropical Land."

"Yeah!" Kaito began to agree before he picked up on the subtle dig. "Hey. I don't want to talk to someone who _still_ wears suspenders and a bowtie about clothing choices."

"They're my tools! They're useful!" Conan retorted, even as his cheeks went red. "It's not my fault that Aoyama-sensei doesn't have much of a fashion sense!"

"Well, I thought—" Saguru began.

"—I don't want to hear from someone who goes around cosplaying Sherlock Holmes about my wardrobe misfortunes of the past," Kaito sighed heavily.

"…I was going to say that your recent fashion upgrade suited you quite well," Hakuba remarked in a very quiet voice. "…that I thought that you looked quite sharp."

"…Oh." And now Kaito felt like a total slime-wad. "Sorry. I mean…your suits are…" He tried not to grimace at the thought of the color schemes. "They're a step in the right direction." Suddenly a thought hit him: "They make your ass look good!"

Conan gave Kaito a look of suspicion, clearly saying, "Do you often check out that part of his anatomy?"

Kaito sighed once more for good measure. "I'm sure you'll have plenty of fangirls soon, Hakuba."

"If not, I could always introduce you to this crazy stalker I know," Conan added offhandedly.

Now it was Kaito's turn to look at the detective like he had a few screws loose. "You mean besides me?"

"This one's a girl…a detective," Conan expounded.

Kaito shuddered. "Oh. Sera Masumi? That chick with the killer flying kick? Yeah. You two deserve each other, Tantei-san."

"So you don't deny that you're a crazy stalker?" Conan noted.

"No. Why would I? It's a key part of my identity," Kaito replied wearing the most serious expression.

"Forget I asked," Conan grumbled, face-palming.

"Asked what?" Kaito chirped cheerfully.

"He's insufferable sometimes, isn't he?" Hakuba chuckled.

"Sometimes? Only _sometimes_?" Conan scoffed, climbing down from his perch. "I want to soccer ball his annoying face in _all_ the time. You deal with him more often than I do, Hakuba."

"When A-1 allows me into my home series, I do." Saguru struggled to keep his smile cemented in place as he muttered the statement resentfully.

"You must have the patience of a saint if you only find him intolerable _sometimes_," Conan finished.

"You learn to tune him out. _All_ of him. Not just his voice but also his entire being. Sometimes I don't even notice that he's dyed my hair or put glitter in my underwear anymore." Hakuba's grin was fading.

Conan cringed. "I…don't envy you. By all means, have your home series back. I don't want to deal with him anymore."

"I can hear you guys," Kaito pouted. "Speaking of intolerable: the art in episode nineteen. Did anyone else notice that the characters' heads all seemed too big for their bodies, or was that just me?"

"Thank God, I thought I was merely seeing things," Hakuba sighed in relief.

"Yeah…what was up with that?" Conan pursed his lips.

There was a beat during which the boys all shook their heads.

And then Conan chimed in, "…So…after dinner, did you guys wanna go to an arcade or something, or…?"

"No," Kaito replied immediately.

"We can't take you anywhere," Saguru explained, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "People always end up dead."

"Did you really want to be responsible for the deaths of innocents just because you felt like going to the arcade?" Kaito asked rhetorically. "I didn't think so."

"I don't really think it's my fault, do you?" Conan looked back and forth between the two taller teens.

Saguru bit his lip.

Kaito right out said it: "Once or twice is a coincidence. Twenty years' worth of outings ruined by death and destruction and mayhem is a sign from God that you shouldn't set foot outside of the building. Who knows? You could be killing our neighbors in the apartments surrounding us right this moment. We could have doomed them by bringing you here to watch anime!"

Conan's bottom lip quivered. He was actually starting to look like a real eight year-old, about to burst into tears any second.

"We could always have a night in," Saguru offered, truly feeling for the seemingly younger detective. "I think it'll be okay since he's around you, Kuroba. You seem to cancel out the worst of his…well, I hate to say curse, but—"

"—I really am cursed after all!" Conan whined, distraught.

And then Kaito felt bad. "I think we should have a Sherlock Holmes marathon!" he blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

Both detectives perked up.

"Really?" Hakuba would have been wagging his tail had he been a dog.

"Really?" Conan echoed, just as enthusiastically.

"R-Really." Kaito grimaced at the very thought of being made to watch Sherlock Holmes. AGAIN. "Maybe could we watch BBC's Sherlock?"

But the geek squad was already spouting nerd speak such as "Basil" and "Brett". Words like "long cut" and "chronological order, but according to which faction?" were also thrown around.

Kaito was paying for his frankness with as much interest as a payday loan. With a two ton sigh, Kaito turned his attention back to dinner. Maybe he'd get lucky and a case really would fall into their laps…straight through the roof from the apartment upstairs…and the detectives would be distracted from their geek fest.

…But then Kaito would feel bad. Like he himself had caused poor Mr. Yamada upstairs's death when it was really Shinigamichi's evil aura's fault.

Just at that moment, there was a scream, and Hakuba and Conan flew into action.

Kaito cursed loudly, but it luckily turned out that Mrs. Sano down the hall had just seen a spider. A very large spider that Hakuba had to squish because the brave Tantei-kun was too busy trying not to shriek right alongside Mrs. Sano.

Kaito wasn't going to say anything, though. After all, salmon made him squeal like a high school girl.

Once the eight-legged menace had been dealt with, the boys settled in for a night of watching someone else solve crimes…until one happened in real life anyway. Because it was certain to happen with Edogawa Conan in attendance.

…

Mikau: Okay, so I wrote most of this last night between the hours of ten and midnight. I think it turned out smashingly well considering. Well, I hoped you liked it. There may be more response fic chapters after Dark Knight airs, so stay tuned! Thanks a bunch for reading!


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